Eddie "Umaga" Fatu (1973-2009)

Eddie "Umaga" Fatu
1973-2009

Whether you've heard or not, I'm gonna do this blog anyway. Earlier today, Eddie Fatu, more commonly known as Umaga, died of a severe heart attack. Earlier this year, he was released from the WWE for violation of the Wellness Policy. His career highlights include being a 2-time Intercontinental Champion, having been undefeated for nearly a year, and challenging for the WWE Championship several times. He also had a less well-known gimmick as Jamal in 3-Minute Warning. No matter what gimmick he used, he was a good wrestler who could have been greater had he been given the opportunity. Rest in peace, Eddie Fatu.

Bad Song Equation

Bad Song Equation:


DISNEY STAR + MUSIC + RECORDING STUDIO + INTERNATIONAL EXPOSURE = BAD SONG I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY HEAD

Proof:

Except Selena's songs, her songs aren't catchy. Just bad. But she's still pretty.

Aaron Stone Review (Part 4): Time Out

A Review by Joseph Anthony Montecillo

Ugh. Here we go again. Speaking of "Here We Go Again," Paramore's song with that title kicks the ass of the song with that title by Demi Lovato. Just sayin'.  Whoa, it's been a while, so let's get started.  Today's episode is called Time Out.


We start out in some research lab or something with this week's villain, Dax, stealing the formual for "the strongest metal in the world" when Charlie comes in to save the world.  Again.  Now, Dax claims to have no conscience and I will prove that this is not true later on.  So, Charlie, being an idiot, decides to engage the villain in some conversation instead of just arresting them or whatever.  Charlie leaps up and is about to shoot Dax with a nonlethal shot from his gauntlet (no, I will not explain) but then Dax freezes time.  


Okay, not bad.  Dax used a device to freeze time.  That's pretty cool.  So what does the guy with "no conscience" do to his opponent who's frozen in midair completely helpless and defenseless?  He walks past him and gloats a bit.  


WHAT?


This idiot who claims to be an conscienceless evil motherfucker doesn't take the chance to kill the only person who can possibly stop him.  Why?  Just why?


Ugh.  Idiot villains.  


Well, what we have next is Charlie in science class.  The teacher asks him a question and he can't answer.  Then, a stereotypical nerd who happens to be an asshole answers the question just to be, as I said, an asshole.  The teacher then tells Charlie that he needs to get a B on his next test or else he'll be removed from the basketball team.


Why must every Disney main character have low grades?  No, Justin Russo is not a main character.



So Aaron goes home and we have a pointless scene with his brother.  Then, he checks an old replay file on Hero Rising and he realizes that the villain he faced was able to freeze time.  Oh and our villains this week are a father-son duo.  Yeah.  Just sayin'.


Cue the angry gamer pic!

 

Get used to it folks, I'll be using this pic in all my Aaron Stone reviews.

Anyway, it turns out that Kronis, Dax's father, is trying to steal stuff to build a time machine.  Then using this time machine, he's going to try to take over the world.  

So Charlie goes to Russia, where Dax is stealing something for his father.  As Dax is talking to himself, it turns out that not only is he crazy, he's got daddy issues.  It's a bit weird--no, it's really weird.  I mean, the dad issues are fine, but he keeps calling him "daddy."  It's just...ugh.  Moving on.

We get a short fight scene where Charlie is able to freeze time and have Dax arrested.  And everyone lives happily ever after, and this episode is over, right?

Fuck.

Oh right, we still have that pointless subplot about Charlie failing in Science class.  

Well, the morning after Charlie's fight with Dax just happens to be the same day that Charlie has to take his test.  How dramatically convenient.  But, oh no, he wasn't able to study because a secret organization had to send an under-aged video gamer to save the world.

Charlie takes the test but isn't able to finish it in time.  So, using the time-freezing-thingamajig, he freezes time and cheats to pass his test.  Ladies and gentlemen, the savior of the world.  Again, we're screwed.

Emma shows off her rad acting skills for a while, and then Charlie uses the time-freezing-thingamajig for some other stuff.  Specifically, he humiliates a bully at school and gets his brother in trouble.  

But then, Stan informs Charlie that Dax has escaped from jail and is causing trouble again.  And for dramatic tension, it turns out that Dax has a second time-freezing-thingamajig that his daddy made for him.  All of this is told to us by Stan using some very bad exposition so instead of making it suspenseful, it just seems cheap and shallow.

A fight scene follows, Dax is captured, and Charlie, having learned his lesson, confesses to his teacher that he cheated.  Therefore, that entire subplot about his cheating was for:

Or at least nothing important.  I'm sure they just had it to teach the little kiddies watching that cheating is wrong.  Or maybe they didn't have any other ideas.  Yeah, i think the second one's right.

Well, that's it for episode four.

Four down, thirteen to go.

It's about the singer

The worst songs can be made to sound good with the right singer. The following video is proof:



Miley Cyrus, these guys just pwned you with your own song.

Aaron Stone Review (Part 3): First Strike

A Review by Joseph Anthony Montecillo

This is only the third episode and I'm already starting to go insane. This one's called First Strike.

This episode starts out in some kind of hanger or something. General Cross, a member of the Omega Defiance, is meeting up with some hobo. Apparently, hobo needs to give Cross something. So Cross pays hobo with a cliche money briefcase and hobo gives Cross the thingamajig. Yes, thingamajig is a real word.

Anyway, hobo asks what the thingimajig is for. Cross whispers it into his ear and then promptly has hobo killed. But being Disney, we never hear the word "kill" or "die" and we don't see an actual death. It's just heavily implied. However, this is pretty cool for a Disney show.

General Cross takes a look at the thingamajig and it turns out that it's a brain. Actually, it's a pretty convincing brain. Maybe this episode won't be so bad.

We cut to Charlie dancing wearing only a towel. Yeah. His brother, Jason, then takes a picture of it and puts it on his blog. This scene was...pointless. It does nothing for the plot, little for characterization, is just completely pointless.

Anyway, in the next scene, Charlie is dressed and Jason is playing Hero Rising. Then he has a short conversation with Emma at the window. They schedule a totally-not-date at some tea place at the mall after school. Oh yeah, these two will never get together.

Then we get a short bit where Jason gets killed in Hero Rising and Charlie says it because Jason didn't focus. Yeah, this is actually a nice way to seed the moral at the end, but yeah...I still think it's kinda stupid.

Stan comes in, and tells Charlie about his new mission. By the way, so far, I've noticed that Stan is the most entertaining character on the show. JP Manoux, the man who plays Stan, is actually not too bad an actor. But he seems to be stuck in Disney. He's been in Phil of the Future, Emperor's New School, and Minutemen.

If you stop working for Disney, I will respect you so much more.

Charlie's new mission is stop a robot designed by General Cross that apparently uses the brain from the first scene. Okay, this sounds like fun. The villain seems to be a bit more reasonable this time, creating a robot that can blow shit up and even killing the guy who provided him the brain to make the robot.

General Cross seems to be the best of the villains so far.

We have a brief scene of General Cross trying out the robot but then we switch back almost immediately to Charlie. Charlie's at school going all googly-eyed over the class hottie: Chase Ravenwood. They talk for a while and Charlie agrees to help Chase put up some posters after school. But uh-oh, scheduling conflict, that's the same time he's supposed to have his not-date with Emma. Yeah, well, more on that later.

But first, Charlie has to go to Korea where the robot has broken into some factory or whatever in North Korea. And when I say North Korea, I mean Los Angeles with some Asian characters written on the signs. But, hey, it could have been worse.

Anyway, we have an action scene where Aaron gets

There's even a short part in that action scene where Stan tries to bargain with the cyborg as the cyborg is choking Charlie. Yeah, Stan is my favorite character in this show for sure.

Anyway, the action scene was doing okay until the ending. The ending is just completely anti-climactic and just a terrible pay-off for the build up from the action scene. You know how it ends? The cyborg gets up and charges to attack as Stan and Charlie are talking. Stan and Charlie then get out of the way and the cyborg slams into some electricity thingy and short circuits.

So the robot is taken away to Hall Industries to be examined and Charlie goes to school to help Emma put up her posters. But, uh-oh, he missed his totally-not-date with Emma. Oops!

Charlie has to apologize to Emma at their window and sets up another totally-not-date where they go to a comedy movie with Charlie paying. Yeah...

I haven't seen this episode for a while, so sorry if the following plot details are a bit sketchy.

The next day, Charlie is playing Hero Rising. There's this part of the game where there's a Trojan Horse and he realizes that the cyborg that Hall Industries is actually a trap. Yeah, he got all that from the game.

No joke, I just thought this pic would be appropriate.

Let me get this straight. Hall Industries fell for the same trap that they programmed into their game that they based on real life. Okay... WHAT?

Do I even have to say how retarded that is? How stupid do you have to be to fall for a trap that you have designed into a game that was supposed to find the world's greatest superspy?

The company fell for the same trick that they programmed into the game that they based on real life villains. I have one thing to say to Hall Industries:

Goo' jab! (joke by Carlo Perez)

We get a scene of Mr. Hall approaching the robot and examining it on his own. Then, the cyborg reactivates and proceeds to try and kill Mr. Hall. But Charlie comes to the rescue and defeats the cyborg in a competent action scene.

But wait, oh-no, Charlie missed out on his totally-not-date with Emma to save Mr. Hall. So the show ends with him begging for forgiveness and scheduling a new totally-not-date to make up for all of it.

Overall, this episode wasn't bad. It was okay, I guess. But once again, a stupid plot point gets in the way of being even mildly entertained. Why? Just why? Can you please give me just one episode where the plot MAKES SENSE?

Oh my god, I can't believe I still have fourteen episodes left. Ugh.

Why I watch bad movies...

I just finished watching Amadeus, which is one of the best movies ever made in my opinion. It reminded me of why I watch terrible movies. By watching terrible movies, it makes the good ones seem so much better than usual.

By subjecting myself myself to tortures like Transformers 2, Wild Child, Spectacular, and Twilight, I ensure that when I decide to put in a movie like Amadeus, The Dark Knight, or The Shawshank Redemption, they will seem ten times better than they already are.

That's just my own demented view on bad movies, I guess.

TNA Knockouts

Women's wrestling has never been my favorite aspect of professional wrestling. Yes, there were some storylines that were interesting, and yes the ladies are nice to look at. But other than that, I never really got into it. The last time I was incredibly interested in a women's storyline was in 2006 with the feud between Trish Stratus and Mickie James.

The WWE does not utilize their Divas properly. I've been watching their matches recently and only one match I've seen can be called good. Melina vs. Michelle McCool at Night of Champions was incredibly impressive. But that was mainly because every other Divas match the WWE comes up with is absolute garbage.

To the WWE, the Divas division is all about eye candy. "LOOK AT THE PRETTY GIRLS! YEAH, LOOK AT EM! FORGET ABOUT WRESTLING SKILL AND STORYLINE, JUST LOOK AT EM!"

I turn over to TNA Impact, and what do I get? I get the Knockouts division. In the early years, TNA was known for the X Division, made up of wrestlers who specialized in high-flying stunts and action. They invested a lot in the X Division but then, the wonder began to wear off a bit. So now, they're starting to invest in a new division. The Knockouts.

TNA, like WWE, didn't really pay much attention to their women's division in the early years. In fact, for five out of the seven years TNA's been in business, they have never had their own women's title. The lack of a championship and the lack of female talent deprived TNA of a good women's division. However, in 2007, after having built up a good roster of women, TNA started the Knockouts division.

At Bound for Glory 2007, Gail Kim (who's now in WWE) became the first TNA Knockouts Champion. The Knockouts were different in that instead having a focus on eye candy, they focused on serious wrestling with good storylines. In fact, one of their best Knockouts is the exact opposite of a WWE Diva. Awesome Kong may not have the looks of a WWE Diva, but she certainly has the wrestling ability.

TNA seems to be really invested in the Knockouts division. Recently, they announced that they would soon have a TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title to go with the TNA Knockouts Title. I can't remember the last there was a women's tag team belt in a major wrestling company.

God bless the Knockouts. They are just so fucking awesome.

Just wanted you to know that.

THE END